Something that I constantly struggle with is maintaining order in my home. Our kids can change from angels to demons in the blink of an eye. That alone is enough to make even the most patient of moms go ballistic! Not to mention all the fighting over chores and homework. So, today we are going to discuss some ways to keep your cool and create some structure to keep you sane! Some of this will be a repeat from earlier posts, but who can't benefit from hearing information again? Let's discuss some DO's and DON'Ts of dealing with our kids in healthy ways.
DO Listen! Sometimes we want things done, we want them done now, and we want them done our way! Come hell or high water. We forget that, not only are they individuals, they are also needing to learn. The best way for them to learn is to let them make mistakes. Also, if we take the time and attention necessary to truly listen to our kids, we gain a better understanding of who they are and therefore a better understanding of how best to handle misbehavior. Because we are adults we have the tendency to think we have all the answers. Believe me, we don't! So don't be afraid to ask your children about their feelings, their opinions, and what makes them tick. What works for one child can be disastrous for another. A great book out there is called "The Five Love Languages of Children". In it Gary Chapman gives information on each love language. He makes it very simple to decipher what speaks most to your child, and how to best show your child how much you love him/her. A child with her love cup full, is a better behaved child. He/She is also an easier to deal with child, since you know how best to communicate with them!
DON'T Threaten! Threats do nothing but tell your child that they have the control. They have made the grownup lose it. It also really limits your options. Follow through with the threat, or look like a fool who never means it when you say it. And I don't know about you, but I have made several threats that there is no way I would ever follow through on. What about threatening to leave them in a public place cause they don't want to leave? We all do this one. And we all know we would never leave said location without our child. Once threats come out of our mouths, we give our children all the cards. We give them all of the control. Another way to give them our control is to start counting. I have modified this to counting down. As in, 3, 2, 1. They get a time-out if the behavior doesn't stop, but they have learned that the behavior is okay, up to that point. When what they need to learn is that the behavior is unacceptable. Period.
DO Allow Consequences! We are doing our children a grave disservice if we try to shield them from the perils of life. Let them fight until it becomes a threat to their safety. This teaches them how to deal with others who have different opinions than theirs. If they have a problem picking up their toys, they get lost, broken, or taken away. If they like to make excuses for stalling eating their dinner, set a time limit. Do you think the cafeteria at school lets them sit there all day waiting for them to eat their lunch? We need these lessons! Life throws us all kinds of crap on a daily basis and it would be a catastrophe for them to not know how to face and cope with these things. They need to develop an internal navigation system to make their way through life.
DON'T Label! Be very careful of this. It is very easy to slip and say the child is bad, instead of the behavior. Yesterday my daughter was arguing about some chores she needed to do. It turned into a total screaming match between her and my husband. My husband and I have an agreement that when one of us is losing it, the other steps in. So I called Anna to my side, took her in my arms and waited for her to get her breathe back. Then I calmly explained why we work as a family to get things done. I told her that when she was done she would have more time free to play later. She understood and went and did the chore in question. If I had said something like "You always do this. Why must you always be such a brat! Just do what your told!" How does she feel then? She's not thinking, "Wow, my mom sure loves me! I should change my behavior!" Not a chance! She's fearful, she's withdrawn, and she's not motivated to do the chore. She'll do it, but she'll do just enough to avoid the wrath and then be whiny the rest of the day. Always assume the best in your kids! And when the slip-ups happen, label the behavior not the child.
DO Be an Adult! Just because our children act like brats, doesn't mean we have to! When you feel the blood start to boil, remove yourself from the situation for a minute. Gently put the child in a safe place letting them know you will be back to talk to them. Once you have calmed down and figured out the best way to deal with the problem, then go talk to the child. And guess what? The child will have calmed down too, and a precious teaching moment can occur. Instead of reacting, ACT!
DON'T Push Their Limits! This one is hard to know where the line is. We all have our limits to what we can do, and we have to recognize that in our children. They are people too! Not little machines put on this earth to do our bidding. Our children get tired, stressed, overwhelmed, and fearful, just like we do. So in listening to our children from above, we need to also recognize their limits. My son started all day kindergarten this year. His little body is having a hard time adjusting to this new schedule and comes home excited to share his day, but try to give him a task such as homework, or chores, and he completely melts down. He needs a little down time and a chance to be him before being able to take on more responsibility. So, while I want him to get homework done while we were still thinking about it, my expectations have to come second to his ability to comply to them. Communicate, assist, and try to understand. Learn to see the world through their eyes! It is a great view!
Assignment: With your child, list some of the areas that seem to be reoccurring the most often. And then work together to come up with solutions and positive reinforcements that will work for both of you. Then, come up with a way to keep track of progress made. Charts, stickers, tokens, lists, whatever works for you and excites your child. Working together not only fosters good communication, it also lets your child know that they have some control over what is going on in their lives. But most importantly, it lets them know you love them!
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